tomistree

I haven’t posted in months. Quite irregular development compared to the phase of monthly blog entries here before. I can’t even say why but since barely someone reads this (it’s some sort of anonymous safe space; therefore I am almost grateful for such a small audience) an excuse is not even needed. How great. Let me just say that the summer hasn’t been that light as summer season is supposed to be. Or at least it hasn’t reached what society expects of summer. I stayed home, I got a shitty job which I only accepted because it was the fastest opportunity that appeared to make some money. Spent the summer working around mansplaining colleagues or procrastinating at the empty library. Most of my friends were not in Berlin and the dance program paused for over a month. The only thing that didn’t pause and actually moved forward slowly but surely was my relationship with my boyfriend. That person became such a big part of my life in just a few months. How strange that he who was basically not a part of my life earlier this year can suddenly become this bonus-sparkle-thing that lightens up my days in a very I-won’t-suddenly-dissapear-way. Getting used now to the idea that some things may change to the good, some things actually turn out well when you least expect it (previous relationships were rather messed up and so are most men lol). Sometimes overthinking takes over and I find myself searching for the fool in this easy-going-loving-flow of events. But nothing. There is no fool. Again: how great!

I recently heard someone say – oh never mind I saw a reel on instagram. Anyhow, it said that happy relationships don’t always feel good because you come face to face with yourself a lot more in healthy relationships. That really explained a lot, I thought. All those unhealthy and unbalanced relationships from before; there was simply no room for confronting my own struggles. I probably spent most of my life avoiding being in the center of attention. Not trying to be pick-me here; it’s just a fact. I forgot that I actually should at least be the center of my own awareness. How can I be twenty five realizing this? Spent years focusing on family, friends and broken boyfriends. All needed to be maintained, taken care of and for the last part be fixed (not talking about my best friends and close family members – they deserve the best). I really should focus on myself at some point. But talking about men: now that I don’t need to fix any of them, now that there is actually some space for myself, now that someone even makes space for me, all my struggles and flaws are creeping to surface. No excuse to hide, no need to avoid my own struggles by being too busy with others. How scary is that?

Really have done a lot of random stuff where fear is well placed. I got lost in Manila once with no cash. Another time I got separated from my dive buddies and almost got swept down to deep sea by heavy current. Just to name a few. But who would have thought that being confronted with my own struggles because of a healthy relationship is the scariest of all? Not to face this is no option though: I adore this person way too much to just give up. 

Anyways it’s October already, summer is over and for its farewell I went to Morocco by the beginning of September, where I finally had some time off (of basically anything: my research, my thoughts, overwhelming Berlin, bad weather etc.). A small town by the Atlantic. There was nothing much to do except surfing all day, reading and eating and writing. Walking around with my camera; lingering around just observing without thinking. Basically zoning out. The evenings were the only time where I felt like having a chat. Every night Mostafa, Mohammed and I sat on the rooftop terrace drinking tea and smoking, watching over the lights of the main street with their little cafes. Behind just black sea until the horizon (which at night I just believed should be somewhere over there). Sometimes they asked me to come along to get some ingredients for dinner. There wasn’t a lot talking; a joke or an anecdote here and there. We would walk downhill to the main street and moved from one shop to the next – here some fresh mint, there some bread. I just followed, listened to the conversations and tried to filter some recognizable Arabic out of it. Or tried some piece of cake Mohammed split into two and handed to me. While walking these streets at night next to them, I may have zoned out again, lost in thoughts; how I will, some weeks later, sit in the café on campus writing these notes and being thankful for those moments of peace in random places, where only present impressions mattered like smell, little kitten sleeping on bags of potatoes, drums playing next door and big families sitting in front of restaurants enjoying Tajines. No heavy thoughts, no social expectations, just far away from home being thrown into another world without having to play any role, without having any meaning. Sometimes meaningless moments are in retrospective the most refreshing ones.