tomistree

I know it’s been a few weeks. Every then and now I have had ideas to write about popping up, but the past weeks just have been too chaotic. I imagined the summer in Berlin to be longer and hotter and somehow less eventful. Like those lazy hot glooming days where nothing but lemonade happens. But right after finishing my exams I spent a lot of time in trains, visiting friends and family, which was fun but exhausting as well. I have seen the Baltic Sea (disappointing) and missed the real ocean. I missed my best friends when I was alone and missed being alone when I was with my best friends. So the summer was not really what I imagined; it actually rained a lot. These days I can already see the fall coming. Don’t get me wrong; I love summer rain and it actually matches my current state but – ironically – it is not helpful when trying to fall out of love.

Three weeks ago I cut ties with a very loved one – someone I would not want to let go for a few years. I’m proud of myself for finally pulling through this decision. There are days in which I feel free and light and even enjoy an occasional date. But there are also days where I wake up with tears in my eyes, then sitting in the library unable to focus because memories with him just won’t leave, and when I’m finally back home I do not even try to hold it back. Standing in the kitchen cooking some dinner with tears running down my face is not the summer I imagined. Those waves of sadness come and go whenever they want. And I let them come and go, telling myself it is good to feel something at least. To be able to love and forgive and eventually move on.

I try to distract myself with podcasts, books, running or dancing or kickboxing. Visiting my friend at work; she makes me some coffee and brings me pie. Knitting or writing or reading and trying to survive pms days. Going to the movies and getting lost in distant stories instead of overthinking my own one. Waiting for the big feelings to pass.