tomistree

Currently I am in this weird state or transition phase (our generation loves to call this an ‚era‘ – but honestly not a single person lives through an entire real era, so what’s the deal) . I’m coming closer to finish my bachelor degree which also arises the questions of what comes after. And of course I don’t know. I struggle with making that one decision that might influence the path of the rest of my life. In fact, all my life I have struggled with making decisions, starting with the menu at a restaurant. The simple question if I wanted to drink something left me in a nervous freeze. All my life until now I tried to avoid decisions. Once – still in school – the choreographer of a piece we were performing that year told me not to be so afraid of making decisions when improvising. That was 5 years ago and it stuck with me until now.

Back then, the reason might have been anxiety. Now it is the strong desire to stay as flexible, as independent as possible. To have my bank account filled with just enough to take the emergency exit any time and leave the country. The ability to go on a spontaneous trip far away. That’s my only kind of reassurance. The assurance to leave and to be on my own; to escape. But the older I get, the more I realize that I can’t live like this forever. At what point do I have to settle, before it is too late?

All these ideas in my mind, all those plan B’s – but how to pick plan A? I still want to study philosophy or psychology or physics or script writing or architecture. I want to become a journalist but also a movie director. I want to be a young mom but also travel alone forever. I want to have the possibilities of Berlin but also stay somewhere in nature – ‚cause cities freak me out. All of this seems impossible, but I’d like to have my options and honestly, somehow it worked out quite well until now. I want to keep this life of not knowing what happens the next year. I love the fact that one year ago I had no clue that I successfully studied in Indonesia for several months, learned arabic and started giving dating a new chance. Now I start learning to play drums – so who knows; maybe next year this time I might have joined a rock band. Who knows.